The Medicine Wheel for Step Parents

The Disaster Manual for Step Parents When Someone Has More Rights than Step Parents Have

Step families no longer view them selves as family. Step parents and step children will not let other family members view each other as family without a lot of grief. I call these victimizations the pits of step families. The pits of step families always involve someone who feels they have more rights than step parents. Some step parents feel they do have more rights than step children. This is causing an anger in both step parents and step children which affects them more than the loss of their natural parent or spouse in the home. This is affecting their physical and emotional health.

I have offered suggestions on how to cope with the anger, isolation, stonewalling, secrets, and intimidation in step families. I have also found some ways for step parents and step children to have their dignity restored to them.

When my husband and I married, we thought that we were beginning a process to blend our two families. We knew this process would not be easy, but we were willing to try. To our surprise, we discovered that we were in a process to keep families apart.

When prospective step parents marry, they are also thinking they are beginning a process to blend their families. They are not. Most usually, they are in a process which will keep their families apart, too. This process will be initiated by the children of both parents, their grandparents, divorced spouses, counselors, friends, neighbors, or all of the above. Even parents and step parents may feel more comfortable by keeping both families apart.

When their parents remarry, children think they must begin a process which will preserve their inheritances and what is left of their family. Hopefully, they will preserve the memory of their absent parent also. Children may want to preserve their family with the best of intentions. This will never happen if they isolate their step parent and step siblings. This book explains why.

When the two opposing forces in a step family collide, most step parents try reading books which give them ten steps to step parental bliss. Step parents soon discover there is no real help in these books. These books are too sugar-coated, too generalized, and too easy to minimize everyone’s’ behavior. These books are written so prospective step parents will not become overwhelmed and decide not to marry. However, step parents and step children are overwhelmed and are afraid to marry. The problems of step parenting still remain. We all are in water over our head.

There are things that can help step parents and step children with the issues that arise. It is easier to learn about the things that overwhelm parents and step children before the situation happens. Step parents will have more success if they learn about these things when they are not under so much stress. Everyone thinks more clearly when they are not angry or hurting.

Most books and most counselors advise new step parents to do nothing for at least a year. It is easier to avoid each other to avoid conflicts and frustrations. The prophet Isaiah tells us in Isaiah 58:7 to not hide ourselves from our own flesh or families. I do not recommend hiding from family and step family members . Most step parents are related distantly to their step children. Doing nothing for family is unrealistic.

Many topics related to step parenting are discussed in this book. Some topics are discussed intensely. Since I do not have advanced degrees in psychology, I chose books that teach step parents how to parent. These books are the greatest textbooks of all time. No one can replace them. They teach truth not theory or philosophy.

These books are The Holy Bible, The Book of Mormon, The Doctrine and Covenants, and The Pearl of Great Price. The Book of Mormon is another testament of Jesus Christ and His teachings. The Book of Mormon is not a replacement for The Holy Bible. The Doctrine and Covenants is not a replacement for The Book of Mormon. The Doctrine and Covenants is a compilation of many revelations and history given to Latter-day prophets for latter-day families. The Pearl of Great Price contains The Book of Moses and The Book of Abraham. There are stories in these books about early-day families and their struggles. It is most enlightening when the truths from all four scriptures are put together. They do not conflict with one another. I call them the Lord's Textbooks.

My husband and I are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, commonly known as The Mormon Church. Our church and its members have had many struggles. Nevertheless, our church believes in doing good to all men. Our church is also famous for pulling the sheep out of the many pits in which they are in many lands.1 To do this, the members of The Church of Jesus Christ use the Lord’s textbooks and a lot of elbow grease.

Step parenting today is a pit as grievous as the plagues of Egypt were to the Hebrews and the Egyptians. Our Heavenly Father pulled these opposing forces out of the mire many times. Unfortunately, He allowed each to experience what one had done to the other. The Hebrews and Egyptians can understand what walking a mile in each other shoes really means.

There is a correct way to pull the many step families out of the mire in which they are in. It is not as easy as one would like, but practice and self control is all that is required. However, one must learn self-control and persistence while being victimized or ignored purposely. It is easy to be in control of our emotions when everything is running smoothly. We must learn self-control when things are not running smoothly.

This type of self control is best learned line up on line, precept upon precept.2One builds a house, paints a picture, or does cross-stitch step by step, degree by degree, or line upon line. Changes within ourselves are made the same way.

Lastly, this book is not a story about my step family experience! This book is about the pits that every step family endures. Your experiences in the pits of families and step families will be unique. All step families have common threads of dysfunction because we are all human.

I cared for my first step parent when I was a senior nursing student in 1969-1970. His wife had recently died of cancer. No one, including his own children, checked on him. In his depression, he shot himself in the head. When he shot himself, he must have jerked. The bullet went in his neck, lodging near his spine. His doctors told him that he did a stupid thing because the bullet now would kill him slowly. When his carotid artery pulsated, it rubbed on the bullet. In 1969-1970, surgeons were not able to operate near the spinal cord without compromising blood supply to the brain and spinal cord. This patient elected to not attempt brain surgery.

His step children and natural children did not know that he was conscious. He did not want to notify them of his condition. He told me they were busy dividing up the estate. I called them anyway. They never came to the hospital. I waited with him till eight P.M. I wondered if anyone brought anything back to this man’s home for him when he was discharged.

I cared for his physical wounds. His physical wounds were small in comparison to his spiritual wounds. I was not allowed to call his religious leader because religion confuses psychiatric patients. He was now a psychiatric patient since his suicide attempt. I was allowed to give him two magazines to read though he had a terrible headache. He was stuck in a room at the end of the hospital corridor. He could make a decision about having brain surgery, but not about his religion. I wrote my senior nursing paper on this patient. In one of my bibliography sources, I discovered the information that Wyoming had the highest suicide rate per capita in the nation at that time. This suicide rate was attributed to the wind. Wind does not cause a high suicide rate. Had I been more experienced, this is the paper I would have liked to have written. I do not know when my patient died. When we meet again, we will have much to talk about. I am now a step parent, too.

Are you trying to blend two or more families with mixed emotions?
Are you afraid of what will happen to your biological children if you remarry?
How should I handle my step child’s social security checks and child support checks?
How do I handle holidays?
Are you tired of walking on egg-shells with your step family?
Are you wondering why there are so many secrets in your step family?
How does one deal with the many schemes to drive a step parent from his or her new home and marriage?
Do you feel intimidated and overwhelmed as a step parent?
Are you tired of hearing that everything you try to do for your step family is a myth?
Are you wondering if your marriage can be saved or if it is worth saving?

A large segment of the population now lives in non-nuclear families, called step families. In spite of our advances in technology, non-nuclear families and biological families are struggling to survive. I know this because the statistics for divorce are climbing. I have noticed that step families have common threads of dysfunction. I have always wondered how these common threads of dysfunction could be changed to common threads of function and dignity. This book explores the common threads of dysfunction and replaces them with common threads of function and dignity given to us by the Creator of this world, Jesus Christ.

I am an experienced step parent. Like you, I, too, had many questions and concerns for my step family, my biological child, my new husband, and myself. I wondered if our marriage would survive the many conflicts. I grew tired of hearing that everything I did for my family was a myth. I have searched long and hard for answers to my questions. I would like to share some of those answers with you, hoping that you and your step children can benefit.

My step family experience reminds me of the time my child was educated without textbooks. Utah has a large population of children. Someone decided that it was cheaper to educate children by having a class set of books that always remained in the desk in the room. The child could not take his or her textbooks home. Teachers would copy the lesson plans for the child. However, nothing came home. My child’s grades dropped drastically. The teacher would not even allow me to borrow the book to copy it myself. She would not even tell me the title so I could buy one. I was totally excluded from the picture of learning for my child. Yet, I must be doing something wrong in the home that her grades and concentration drastically dropped. Step parents, does this sound familiar?

In amateur radio, when one is learning the ropes of this hobby, one has an “Elmer,” a helper who answers all your questions, but makes you do the work to get acquainted with your radio. I do not want to become your “go-between” between you, your step family, your Heavenly Father, and the scriptures. I do hope this book will be an “Elmer” to you with your questions on step parenting. You will have to do the work to get acquainted with your step family. The integrity of your family depends on this.